Day 4 – The Barre Bro’s Deep Love of Yoga

Wow, 2020. You’re really going to send us rain on top of everything else today? Every day this week has felt like a month, and it seems crazy that we closed our studios less than a week ago, on Saturday.

As much as I write about barre and make fun of how much I hate barre, I rarely talk about yoga – and that’s because I actually love yoga so much that it’s a little sacred to me, and it would feel disingenuous to satirize it insincerely. That being said, I have a feeling that today is going to be our hardest day yet of this, so maybe it warrants a little seriousness.

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Quarantuck Day 3 – The Circle of Barre

Dear readers,

This is an unprecedented time in our country’s history, and we as Americans must come together to face these challenges with every bit of strength we can muster. To that end, we would like to communicate to you the details of our response just kidding, aren’t you SO FUCKING TIRED of emails that start out like this?!?!? As if the non-stop news cycle and death counter weren’t depressing enough. So let’s get this Day 3 post started with the absolute cutest picture you will see today, barre none! (high five?? that was a good one!)

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Monday, 3/16 @tuckbarreyoga – Day 1 of our online classes!

This is crazy stuff, guys! We made the decision to close all of our studios last Saturday out of an abundance of caution for our clients. Our clients overwhelmingly wanted us to try to stay open, but we felt this was a situation where it is better to err on the side of overreacting.

But we didn’t want to leave everyone hanging, so now we are offering a decently full daily schedule of barre and yoga classes on our Facebook page! Follow us here to view the live streamed classes! Here’s the schedule for the next few days:

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Barre It Like Beckham

Hi! This is Becks. I’ve mentioned before that our barre teachers seem to get extra excited to torment me when I show up for a class, and Becca was certainly no exception – you can see the glee in her face. Great for her, awful for me.

I’ve mentioned before that we had a hard time finding great barre teachers when we first opened. We auditioned tons of teachers, and we hired exactly two. One was Chernobyl Kate – the other teacher that killed it right from the start was Becca. Becca is a true tuck OG – she was the first barre teacher we ever hired, and she’s been with us since we were just a little neighborhood studio in Point Breeze. She’s also by far the most positive person on our team.

When I take barre with our other teachers, there’s always a bit (a lot?) of resentment in my inner dialogue with the teacher. Example:

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The Barre Bro Gets Back Into Fitness

As the barre bro entered his 36th year of life in 2019, his metabolism plummeted and he gained almost 15 lbs. as a result. So now, in 2020, it’s time to get back into fitness. Let’s do this!

A few months ago, a friend of mine named “Action Dan” proposed that we do something called the Smolov Squat Routine together. It’s a 13-week program where  you squat a lot. And I assume it was invented by a Russian guy named Smolov. Have you ever noticed how all Russian names sound incredibly badass? Even female Russian names just sound dangerous, no matter the context. “Welcome to Starbucks! My name is Svetlana. Vould you like a shot of cyanide in your soy latte this morning?”

Anyway, the point is that I’ve been doing a lot of squats. And so, this past Sunday, I thought hey I’ve been decently active for 13 weeks – let’s just jump right back into a barreSHRED class!

barreSHRED is our intermediate/advanced barre class. It’s actually only about 20%-30% harder than tuck’s normal barre classes, but since the baseline barre class at tuck is so tough, that extra 20% really means something. 20% off any size fries at McDonald’s? Not that significant. 20% proposed increase in the Pentagon budget? We’re going to need to find some new countries to bomb.

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The Barre Bro Reflects…

Not everyone knows that the barre bro never really wanted to be a barre bro – he had never taken a barre class before his wife opened tuck, and even the barre classes he took at tuck were so unpleasant that he started this whole blog just to vent about how awful they were. If I wanted to be brainwashed into enjoying abuse, I would have just joined the Church of Scientology. Seriously, take a look at this picture of Callie teaching – she looks like a Southern evangelical preacher fueled by the fury of the Old Testament, and the students behind her have that North Korean “We Love Dear Leader And We Love What We’re Doing!” fake smile down cold.

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Why I Hate My Wife’s Classes

Hello friends! Long time. I’ve been busy with a Russian squat routine that isn’t very compatible with barre.

But, I haven’t neglected yoga! And I’d like to share why, precisely, I HATE my wife’s classes.

Two words: FAKE EMPATHY. She does this in yoga, and she reaaallly does it in barre.

What do I mean? Next time you’re in a barre class and you hear Callie says, “Ugh, I know it sucks guys…we’re almost done” just remember, she’s the one making it suck! She’s trying to be empathetic, but she might as well be Daenerys Targaryen riding a dragon telling her enemies, “I know it’s warm guys…you’re almost well done”

What’s even worse is when she makes fake effort sounds. We all know barre is tough. If you’ve ever taken a class with Molly, you know she makes involuntary sounds of suffering all the time. But sometimes, Callie will fake these exact same sounds… when she’s not even doing the exercise with you guys! Seriously, keep an eye on her next time she makes one of these fake sounds of effort. She’s usually just walking around the room, exuding fake empathy.

Recently, I’ve noticed she does it in yoga too! We’ll be in some uncomfortable position that shreds your hamstrings like spiralized zucchini, and she’ll let out an “Ughh….” but when I look over, she’s actually on her phone ordering sweet potato fries from Grubhub.

Not only that, she trains our teachers to fake it too! Here she is telling them, “Make them believe you’re right there with them! Even if you’re not!”

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The Barre Bro Announces a Yoga Workshop!

The Barre Bro isn’t a licensed yoga teacher, but that doesn’t mean he’s not qualified to teach a workshop, especially in a niche aspect of yoga that almost everyone struggles with, but for various reasons, few people talk about. So what is this aspect of yoga? Yogas. Not pronounced like the plural of yoga, but pronounced like “yo, gas” and referring to the fact that almost everyone experiences gas during a yoga class.

Now the barre bro’s been moving to a more plant-based diet and broccoli and cabbage are two of his favorite vegetables. Unfortunately for his wife, this healthier diet, while good for almost everything else in life, is quite bad for the olfactory senses at the Kim house. To make matters even worse, the barre bro likes to down a 32 oz. Big Gulp diet coke before most of his morning yoga classes (which, a bit unfairly, draws some side-eyes – hey, you have your coffee, I have my diet coke).

All of these factors have made the barre bro a veritable expert in holding in gas during yoga classes. He may in fact be the first master trainer in the yoga world at dealing with yogas. So, not wanting to selfishly hoard this valuable knowledge to himself, the barre bro has decided to run a Yogas Workshop so he can share his expertise with the wider world! Here is a little preview of what you can look forward to in the workshop (get ready for some serious science).

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Chernobyl Kate opens tuck 4 in NoLibs, The Barre Bro Writes an eBook

Chernobyl Kate is opening tuck 4 in Northern Liberties sometime in the fall of 2019, so keep an eye out!

Why hasn’t the barre bro been posting as often, you ask? Because he’s been writing something else!

This blog was basically the barre bro writing down what his wife’s classes were like – now you can read about the small business side of the whole tuck journey so you can open your own fitness studio!

the barre bro’s ebook