The Barre Bro Reflects…

Not everyone knows that the barre bro never really wanted to be a barre bro – he had never taken a barre class before his wife opened tuck, and even the barre classes he took at tuck were so unpleasant that he started this whole blog just to vent about how awful they were. If I wanted to be brainwashed into enjoying abuse, I would have just joined the Church of Scientology. Seriously, take a look at this picture of Callie teaching – she looks like a Southern evangelical preacher fueled by the fury of the Old Testament, and the students behind her have that North Korean “We Love Dear Leader And We Love What We’re Doing!” fake smile down cold.

 

No, the barre bro’s first choice for a small business would have been a bowling alley, because bowling is everything that barre is not. Instead of long stretches of pain and effort, bowling involves a split second of exertion followed by a leisurely gaze of admiration as inertia does all the work (barre teachers HATE inertia and call it cheating). Barre accessories are torture devices, like weights and bands. Bowling accessories are nachos and beer. Barre has silly socks, bowling has cool shoes. Seriously, look how cool Callie looks in her bowling shoes.

Here’s Callie looking shell-shocked after class, like she just got hit by a car (we call this the post-barre wtface).

And here’s happy Callie after throwing them rocks.

This is why our next business will 100% be a bowling alley. Also, I still like yoga, so we can call it tuck bowl & yoga.

In all seriousness, it’s a bit weird to think that we’re quickly approaching tuck’s third birthday – in some ways it feel like it’s been a lot more than three years, and in other ways it feels like we just opened yesterday. Owning and operating small businesses while working full-time isn’t always the most pleasant way to live, but there are two feelings that I absolutely love about owning tuck with my wife.

  1. When someone buys something in cash, and then we immediately go buy a coffee with that cash. The first time it happened, it felt so cool, like we were part of the economy or something! We sold a service, got paid, then put the money back into the worldwide stream of commerce as we enjoyed a hot cup of La Colombe coffee from OCF.
  2. The fact that people actually wear our clothes. This one was unexpected – we originally started making clothes just because we had the wall space in our first studio, and it seemed like what small businesses do. To this day, I still can’t believe people like us enough to buy our clothes and wear them around, especially the ones with silly puns on them. But when I actually see people wear our clothes, I feel such a deep sense of gratitude that people like our studio enough to wear our gear. Really cool feeling.

Full disclosure – tuck is a lot of work! Callie taught almost 400 classes in 2019 while working full-time. I, uh, blog from time to time and deliver water? Still, it feels like a lot! Our close friends know that the strain of it all almost sent us to couples therapy! (Would definitely have sent us to couples therapy if it was cheaper!) Like this night – this was a lonnnng night.

On the other hand, the friends we spend the most time with these days came from tuck. Like these guys!

And these guys!

We ran into a bunch of, well, ourselves, at this Phillymag event…

And we regularly hold UFC nights at Kate’s house (Fun fact – Meg LOVES UFC, when she isn’t teaching awesome yoga/barre classes, she’s fantasizing about throwing knees into people’s faces and choking people out)

I can’t believe how lucky we were to find and meet all of our teachers. Also, we do really random things like hold drunk plank contests (Kate crushed everyone – 5 minutes 10 seconds is her record).

Our first sound system was this tv sound bar.

Now we have bangin speakers that let us do rave barre!

We did barre at Drexel Square Park –

And at the Pier –

And did yoga at the top of Liberty Place –

We also met Julia. Have you met Julia? Julia is like, the nicest person in the world, ever!

And our dogs have been with us the whole way!

So on behalf of everyone at tuck, Callie and I humbly thank all of you for being a part of this with us, for coming to our classes, buying our silly clothes, and petting our awesome dogs.

Why I Hate My Wife’s Classes

Hello friends! Long time. I’ve been busy with a Russian squat routine that isn’t very compatible with barre.

But, I haven’t neglected yoga! And I’d like to share why, precisely, I HATE my wife’s classes.

Two words: FAKE EMPATHY. She does this in yoga, and she reaaallly does it in barre.

What do I mean? Next time you’re in a barre class and you hear Callie says, “Ugh, I know it sucks guys…we’re almost done” just remember, she’s the one making it suck! She’s trying to be empathetic, but she might as well be Daenerys Targaryen riding a dragon telling her enemies, “I know it’s warm guys…you’re almost well done”

What’s even worse is when she makes fake effort sounds. We all know barre is tough. If you’ve ever taken a class with Molly, you know she makes involuntary sounds of suffering all the time. But sometimes, Callie will fake these exact same sounds… when she’s not even doing the exercise with you guys! Seriously, keep an eye on her next time she makes one of these fake sounds of effort. She’s usually just walking around the room, exuding fake empathy.

Recently, I’ve noticed she does it in yoga too! We’ll be in some uncomfortable position that shreds your hamstrings like spiralized zucchini, and she’ll let out an “Ughh….” but when I look over, she’s actually on her phone ordering sweet potato fries from Grubhub.

Not only that, she trains our teachers to fake it too! Here she is telling them, “Make them believe you’re right there with them! Even if you’re not!”

Moral of the story? Don’t believe her lies!! Sorry I don’t have many pictures for this post, so here are pictures of some t-shirt ideas. And one of Bodie.

The Barre Bro Announces a Yoga Workshop!

The Barre Bro isn’t a licensed yoga teacher, but that doesn’t mean he’s not qualified to teach a workshop, especially in a niche aspect of yoga that almost everyone struggles with, but for various reasons, few people talk about. So what is this aspect of yoga? Yogas. Not pronounced like the plural of yoga, but pronounced like “yo, gas” and referring to the fact that almost everyone experiences gas during a yoga class.

Now the barre bro’s been moving to a more plant-based diet and broccoli and cabbage are two of his favorite vegetables. Unfortunately for his wife, this healthier diet, while good for almost everything else in life, is quite bad for the olfactory senses at the Kim house.┬áTo make matters even worse, the barre bro likes to down a 32 oz. Big Gulp diet coke before most of his morning yoga classes (which, a bit unfairly, draws some side-eyes – hey, you have your coffee, I have my diet coke).

All of these factors have made the barre bro a veritable expert in holding in gas during yoga classes. He may in fact be the first master trainer in the yoga world at dealing with yogas. So, not wanting to selfishly hoard this valuable knowledge to himself, the barre bro has decided to run a Yogas Workshop so he can share his expertise with the wider world! Here is a little preview of what you can look forward to in the workshop (get ready for some serious science).

To truly appreciate and benefit from this workshop, it is imperative to have a strong foundation in human anatomy. Yogas doesn’t simply exist – it exists in one of two places – the upper chamber, depicted in green, or the lower chamber, depicted in red. The upper chamber is the “safe” area for yogas, where you know it’s there, but there’s no immediate risk of discharge. But the lower chamber? This is the danger zone. There, even experienced yogasi have a maximum of 90% control over what happens, not unlike your eyelids after an all-nighter.

Now, why does yoga have a reputation for causing so many farts? With our anatomical knowledge in hand, we must venture into the world of physics.

Here is a downward dog, one of the most common yoga poses in existence. As you can see in the diagram, this pose places the “lower” chamber (the danger chamber) ABOVE the “upper” chamber (the safer chamber). Why is this a problem? Because your body is mostly water, and gas is lighter than water, causing it to rise like a hot air balloon when surrounded by mostly water. So naturally, this pose will often force yogas upwards into the danger chamber. But this is only the second worst yoga pose for causing yogas – the worst?

Child’s pose. Child’s pose often occurs immediately after downward dog, and the two combine for a truly deadly yogas sequence. Not only is yogas more likely to already be in the danger chamber, child’s pose has the additional feature of providing yogas with an irresistible exit point.

So, how do we combat the effects of this deadly sequence? Fret not – the barre bro is here for you. The best pose to mitigate yogas is…

Upward facing dog. Not only does this position close off that exit point, it realigns the chambers in the upright position so that yogas can move from the danger chamber to the safety chamber.

Interested in learning more? Sign up for this valuable workshop at this link!

Chernobyl Kate opens tuck 4 in NoLibs, The Barre Bro Writes an eBook

Chernobyl Kate is opening tuck 4 in Northern Liberties sometime in the fall of 2019, so keep an eye out!

Why hasn’t the barre bro been posting as often, you ask? Because he’s been writing something else!

This blog was basically the barre bro writing down what his wife’s classes were like – now you can read about the small business side of the whole tuck journey so you can open your own fitness studio!

the barre bro’s ebook

The Barre Bro Gets Into the Nightclub Business

The barre bro recently had a realization – he has access to large, open spaces with built-in dance floors and great sound systems. Sure, these spaces are currently used for barre and yoga classes, but why stop there? Also, our clientele tends to skew towards white girls who like to dance but don’t necessarily dance… well, see for yourself.

So, why not open a nightclub where our teachers and clients can practice their dance moves?!? Enter tuck 3, aka tuck barre & yoga Washington Square West.

First things first – everyone knows, no nightclub is complete without an imposing, unmarked steel door behind an intimidating steel grate on a random side street located on 7th street between South St. and Lombard St. Continue reading “The Barre Bro Gets Into the Nightclub Business”

The Barre Bro Takes the “Best” Barre Class in Philly

Hi! Meet Kate. Kate is one of our barre teachers. She’s also the reigning Tuck Nintendo Just Dance Champion 2019, having vanquished Meg, and Ann in the annual dance-off fourteen straight songs in a row. (Meg’s appeal is still under review).

When we first opened tuck, we had a really hard time finding good barre teachers. We must have auditioned over fifty barre teachers during our first year of operation, and we hired… two. This is a big part of the reason why Callie started doing barre teacher trainings – we had such a shortage of great barre teachers that Callie decided to start training them herself. Continue reading “The Barre Bro Takes the “Best” Barre Class in Philly”

The Barre Bro’s Favorite Class at tuck barre & yoga

The barre bro has exactly one favorite class at tuck barre & yoga, and it’s FreeBuild Flow (FBF) with Megan.

What exactly is FreeBuild Flow? Well, it’s not what it sounds like, because it kind of sounds like we’ll be playing with lego blocks or something while doing yoga.

It’s impossible to succinctly describe what this class is, because there is so much involved. It’s part-vinyasa yoga, part-being a little kid and swinging your arms around like you just don’t care, and part-being a back up dancer to Beyonce, all with plenty of cardio, feel-good stretches and twists, and plyometrics, all set to some bangin’ beats. Continue reading “The Barre Bro’s Favorite Class at tuck barre & yoga”