This is Ann. Her American Gladiator name is Annihilate. She looks like a sweetheart but her looks are a lie, just like everything that comes out of her mouth during barre class.
In fact, I’m quickly learning that barre class is mostly a series of lies. One lie after another. So many lies, you start questioning your reality. A good motto for a barre studio would be “Gaslight that ass tight”
Here are Ann’s top 5 lies from class today:
- You’ve got six more!
- Last two!
- 5 more minutes then we’re done!
- Other side and then we’re out!
- It’ll be fun!
Any reasonable interpretation of “Last two!” would indicate that there are two more whatevers before there are zero more whatevers. “Last call” doesn’t mean last call for drinks this hour, until we start serving more drinks next hour. But in barre class? “Last two” really means “last two of this really painful thing until we start another set of twelve of some other painful thing.”
We spent the first half of class in some variation of this position. Lots of weirdly modified pushups, tricep things, and leg things, all with this giant rubber band around your thighs. This class could have been called “thighs and lies” because it was us being forced to work our thighs while Ann lies to us about how many we have left.
By the time we got to the bar, I was pretty toast. The motto on my socks, “be present” wasn’t really helping. If anything, I wanted to mentally check out while my body continues to follow directions. A better motto to put on a barre sock would be, “What’s for dinner tonight?”
Ann’s new bio: She lies like 45 for 45 minutes. Also, class was totally like 48 minutes long today. One last lie. Not cool, bro.