The Barre Bro Goes Low Carb

I’ve been able to keep my yearly weight gain under 2 lbs. a year for most of my twenties and early thirties, but man, something changed in 2018 and I gained over 20 lbs. So, now that it is 2019, I decided that this is the year that I would start experimenting with putting more than mental effort into losing weight. And everyone knows that the best way to lose weight is to eat all of the protein and fat you want, as long as you don’t eat any carbs! Let’s do this!

But first, one last farewell to beloved noodles, in the form of bun bo hue. And if you’re at a Viet joint, you can’t start without some summer rolls –

Then the main course! If you’re not familiar, bun bo hue is a spicier, north Vietnamese noodle soup. It’s like pho with an Infinity gauntlet. Most places in America, you’ll get it “American-style” with normal cuts of meat, which is fine by me. More authentic places will add blood cubes, which I am NOT into. And the super authentic places (where you can’t even read the menu, if there is one) will add ox penis, which I’m definitely not into.

Mmm fiery broth of deliciousness….

Add mung bean sprouts and red cabbage (there should be more red cabbage – shame on this restaurant)

Flip the noodles and meat over the fresh veggies to let it cook a bit. Alright, now that my farewell to carbs is done, let’s get to work!

I’m a big fan of Chipotle, where you can do a pretty delicious low carb bowl. But since they seem to get a lot of people sick, I decided to start doing chipotle bowls at home. After testing out a bunch of the top-rated chipotle copycat chicken recipes, I’ve found a “recipe” that crushes it in the effort-to-end-result ratio department. Let’s face it, the barre bro doesn’t exactly have the most discriminating palette, I’m the guy that will choose quantity over quality every single time, so it just has to be good enough to eat, and I’m happy. I take a can of this Embasa chipotle peppers, dump it in a food processor with most of a red onion, garlic powder, and two big ass spoonfuls of this ancho chili pepper powder, pulse it into oblivion, and you’re done. Season the chicken separately, obviously. Then you have a nice marinade – add a little water, mix it all up, and marinade chicken thighs in it.

Mmm… chipotle-flavored e-coli. Let’s drakarys these bitches. But first…

Never start grilling without starting with hot dogs, because hot dogs are the best.

Hmm not quite there yet…

Now that’s what I’m talking about!

Dice up the chicken, throw in containers with some store bought pico and some buttered up green beans, top it all with cheese and I have lunches for the week!

But wait, the barre bro got a new toy to support his low carb habit over the weekend…

Let’s convolute some shit with this spiralizer!

First thing I ever spiralize is a zucchini, because I’m already missing noodles. I never knew zucchini had two c’s – thanks spellcheck. Man, remember losing points on homework for misspelling stuff? And then the first few years when spellcheck was available, teachers tried to police its use? Glad that ridiculousness is a thing of the past. Yet somehow TI calculators are still going strong…

I’m already missing noodles in a delicious spicy broth – I wonder if this would work with instant ramen?

This brand has overtaken Shin Ramen Black as my current favorite spicy ramen.

Mmm get that fiery broth going…

I’m starting to get nervous that these veggie noodles will suck. What if they do? What will I eat? So I find some leftover frozen dumplings in the freezer and throw those in, because dumpling soup is also awesome.

Also, I’ve had a few glasses of wine and I know myself, and I know that if the veggie noodles suck, I’ll try again with real noodles, so I gotta throw them away. And then throw away something else nasty that’s been sitting in my refrigerator on top of it, so that I can’t salvage the dry ramen noodles from the trash either. “Know yourself, know your enemy, and you will win 100 out of 100 battles” – Sun Tzu, bitches. Battle against carbs won.

End result – not perfect, but actually very promising! I definitely overcooked the zoodles a bit, but I think a minute or two less and I’ll have a serious low-carb ramen solution.

Next day at work – microwave a low carb bowl and I’m fucking cruising baby! Except I’m a little hungry…

Goddamnit. Free pizza at work. So what do I say to going low carb? Not today.

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