Back to the Barre!

squeaks
Welcome to tuck barre & yoga!

After nursing a back injury that caused me to gain about 10 lbs. in two weeks, the barre bro returned to class! I took my wife’s “core barre” class this morning at our West Philly location. “It won’t be that bad, it’s just core!” she said. The lies continue well after the wedding, folks.

callie has a liar face
liar face

Callie started class by asking the group, “So what kind of class do you want today? Medium? Hard? Extra hard?” The problem with this question, of course, is that there is no anonymity in the answer. Of COURSE I wanted to say easy to medium, but then I’d get death glares from some crazy masochistic type-A barre babe (looking at you Rachelle) who comes to barre to wreck every muscle in her body.

I did pretty well for the first twenty minutes of class, but I was rudely called out by Callie – “Stop looking at the clock, Hagana – we’re not even done warming up.” Yeah, up yours, Callie.

There are so many things I hate about barre. Let me tell you about one. The cues in barre are set to the beat of the music, so when the barre teacher is counting down from, say, “10, 9, 8, 7” etc., each count is evenly spaced and timed to the music, which makes it fun. Kind of like dancing. You know what’s bullshit? When the barre teacher decides to intersperse the count with bullshit motivational cheering instead of a number, and then doesn’t skip the number!

Let me explain. Instead of counting down “10, 9, 8, 7” all the way down to zero, Callie will go, “10, 9, you’e got it guys, great!” after which, clearly we should be on #6. But NOOO, Callie will go “10, 9, you’ve got it guys, great, 8, 7” etc. so we end up doing MORE THAN 10 REPS YOU ASSHOLE! If you’re going to run your mouth during the count, include it in the count.

Another thing I hated today – we did these weird things on the floor/mat where I could barely get into the STARTING position.

weird1.jpg
this was the starting position i could barely get into at all

From there, she wanted us to do this –

weird 2
yeah my body doesn’t work that way, i’m not a fucking marionette Callie

And then the other leg!

weird 3.jpg
almost threw my ball at her face

And the worst words you’ll ever hear in barre class? “Now let’s do the other side!”

Believe it or not, I’m training to be a barre teacher this weekend. And you know what I’m going to do as a barre teacher? Because I’m a nice guy? No second sides. I’m going to assign the other side as homework.

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